My uphill daily report

My life makes me think of the Alps, an uphill battle everyday. My blog has become a very depressing blog, to say the least. To give a little background information… I was born into a Catholic family, in Austin Texas. I am the youngest of three siblings. My parents divorced when I was about five years old. I have an older brother and sister, whom I hardly know.

When I was little, my father would call daily to talk to us kids. Due to my moms new husband, my brother went to stay with my father shortly after. Then it was myself and my older sister. The phone calls slowed down a bit and shortly after that, my sister went to live with our father. She had been molested by our step dad and our father took her in. The calls stopped. I’ve often wondered why. By the time I was in sixth grade, I had been beaten, molested, a knife held to my throat, and a gun held to my head by my step dad. My father wouldn’t save me.

My mom finally left this man because he cheated on her. It was like she nor my father ever really cared what happened to me. I have questioned this my entire life, wondering what is wrong with me that my own parents didn’t want to protect me. When my mother finally left this man, I only gained more responsibilities…taking care of my half brother and sister and keeping up the house. I felt like a slave.

I ran away and started living with a great family, while my mother found herself a new husband. They had the sheriffs office bring me back, promising me it would be different. But, shortly after being brought back, I was then abandoned and left with her so to be ex-husband. She packed up my my little sister and brother in the middle of the night. Having no where to go, I called my father. He told me that he didn’t have room for me. I then found out that my mother and my little brother and sister had moved in with my grandmother. So, I called her and asked if I could come too. She replied the same as my father…no room for me.

So, I went to stay with another family. The best people I had ever met. They saved me from the streets and showed me what a family truly looks like. I appreciate that to this very day.

Later, when I was 23, I had my son. I did everything right by him my whole pregnancy. No drugs, no alcohol, and ate like a pig. But, he ended up with a congenital heart deformation that not only threatened his very existence, but also required numerous surgeries to ensure the longest life possible. Fortunately, he has surpassed his life expectancy and it hasn’t been easy. Everyday, I wake up wondering if my son is still alive because he is high risk for sudden death. And, believe it or not, disability refuses to grant him disability. Another post I created for the Social Security office explains the complex condition of having use of only one side of his heart.

I did later have twins, that were 10 weeks premature. They are doing great, thank the Lord. Every battle from then on has left me wondering if I shouldn’t have been born at all.

I’ve been diagnosed with major depression, ptsd, bipolar, and ocd. I wonder why.

I was told to journal, and I have for years. But, as I read back on them, I see page after page of suicidal letters. I have battled with the thought of killing myself for over 30 years now and have no idea why I’m still here, after praying for my death over and over again.

Everyone says each of us has a purpose, what could mine actually be? I may never know. All I know, is that I refuse to cause my family at pain. I might not be the best wife nor mother, but I damn well try.

I used to think of myself as the anchor holding them back, but now I see myself as the hole in the boat. They need to swim away or sink with me. An awful feeling that is.

I’ve disconnected my blog from my Facebook because I catch so much hell for the way I think and feel. And, it’s not like I have many followers here on WordPress. So, I can put it all out there and I don’t have to worry about people writing me about how much they “care”.

Well, that’s it for now. I bid you all a good day!


Oh, How I do love storms!

Storm Clouds


Storms are a beautiful thing, aren’t they? They remind me of my home state of Texas. The sad thing is I live in Indiana and we do not see many good storms, with the lightening and thunder rolling. Man, I miss Texas.

I Have Something I have to Say about Drug Test!

I understand the reason for them, but I am totally against them. I have an excellent resume. I am very loyal to whom I am working for and have an enormous amount of skills. But, due to drug testing I have a dilemma and have decided that maybe honesty is the best policy.
I have over 6 years experience in customer service and over twelve years in a Ford manufacturing plant. I know what can happen when you have an alcoholic driving forklifts, seen it. I’ve seen workers doing lines of cocaine behind their machine. And, now we have heroine, in which the worker over doses in the bathroom. Everyone of these substances are out of a persons system in less than 72 hours.
Doesn’t sound like they would have trouble passing a piss test or they can easily use a cleaner or someone else’s pee. But for me, it’s not that easy. I smoke weed; yes, the forbidden weed. I laugh when I say that, it’s like the forbidden fruit or something. But nonetheless, it takes over 30 days of going without to pass a drug test. I am now three weeks without smoking the forbidden weed. Hooray, for me.
I am not the type to lie or cheat my way into a job or anything else for that matter. So, now I am on three different types of medicine to combat the issues that plague me from day to day. These prescription drugs are highly addictive and have side effects.
And furthermore, I really don’t like the, so called, victim-less crimes. In which, there is no victim. When everyone is a willing participant, how can it be a crime. They call it a crime to society, but apparently not everyone is against these actions or their wouldn’t be any participant at all.
I know many people will have their say and I don’t mind the comments. So, bring it on.

My family deserves better 

I guess everyone has bad days.  But for me it’s been a lifetime of struggles.  I’m truly over it.  I used to think of me as the anchor, holding my family back from living a good life.  But,  I have figured out that I’m the hole in the boat.  You guys better swim or I’ll make you sink.  Maybe a better life next time. 

What I’d Rather Be

Yes, I know, the title is a bit strange, but what the hell. I have been in (what we will call) a funk. And, I find myself wondering what I would rather be. I began with, a dog. Get food, petted, and love, and not really have to work at all. But, then I thought of all the abused dogs in the world and decided no on a dog. Then I thought of a bird, but then I am afraid of heights so, that wouldn’t work.

I decided land animals would be best. In the ocean, your all a part of the food chain. Don’t want to be that. I thought maybe a squirrel because it can get anywhere and they eat nuts. That sounds fun. I definitely wouldn’t want to be a raccoon, they eat trash. Yuck!

I began thinking about the big animals, but they are all hunted for one reason or another. Maybe an ant, they’re small and don’t eat much, but then I would get stepped on. Then suddenly it came to me; the perfect pick for me….A Tree.

I would awake every spring and provide shade, a home, oxygen, and in the end, warmth.

That’s what I’d rather be…A Tree.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Today is a different day. No one ever knows what this day has in store for us. 

Today will unfold like yesterday. 

Tomorrow will be similar to today, not knowing what might happen with every moment.

Today, I have hope. For, something good could happen.

But, if it doesn’t will be exactly like yesterday.

And, we ALL know where that leaves me.

A Day in the Life of Boggledee


Hi, I’m Boggledee. Glad to meet you! I’m like most people but, like many others, I suffer from mental illness.
I have been diagnosed with manic depression and I try to be consistent with my medication. On a daily basis, I suppose it works. But, there are some days that I would rather be dead than alive.
It’s weird to have suicidal thoughts, because I know nobody can help me with it. I wouldn’t dare put this on my family and doctors seem to want to put me in a hospital or something. Like that what I want. So, I suffer through it on my own. Many of us do just that.
It’s on our low days that you actually start planning our own deaths. Not one day goes by without wondering if life would be better without me, including my kids and husband, but when things aren’t going right I will go into the planning stage. At least now, I can rest assured that my family will receive some benefits.
I only write this to release these feelings through words, NOT for attention. I know many that reads this will want to tell me to go ahead and kill myself and get it over with. Where, some will sympathize with these feelings.
To those that do not understand the struggle of being stuck within your own mind and doubting your worth, do some research before judging.
Some will wonder why I haven’t done it yet. To those, I have children that I feel still needs me.
To those that suffer from these unwanted thoughts, I pray for you. For nobody can help.
This has been short, but not sweet. Lol
Hopefully, by the next time I blog, I will have created my Boggledee character to share with everyone that happens to read this. Not saying that is very many people. I’m sure not famous or nothing!