My family deserves better 


I guess everyone has bad days.  But for me it’s been a lifetime of struggles.  I’m truly over it.  I used to think of me as the anchor, holding my family back from living a good life.  But,  I have figured out that I’m the hole in the boat.  You guys better swim or I’ll make you sink.  Maybe a better life next time. 

What I’d Rather Be


Yes, I know, the title is a bit strange, but what the hell. I have been in (what we will call) a funk. And, I find myself wondering what I would rather be. I began with, a dog. Get food, petted, and love, and not really have to work at all. But, then I thought of all the abused dogs in the world and decided no on a dog. Then I thought of a bird, but then I am afraid of heights so, that wouldn’t work.

I decided land animals would be best. In the ocean, your all a part of the food chain. Don’t want to be that. I thought maybe a squirrel because it can get anywhere and they eat nuts. That sounds fun. I definitely wouldn’t want to be a raccoon, they eat trash. Yuck!

I began thinking about the big animals, but they are all hunted for one reason or another. Maybe an ant, they’re small and don’t eat much, but then I would get stepped on. Then suddenly it came to me; the perfect pick for me….A Tree.

I would awake every spring and provide shade, a home, oxygen, and in the end, warmth.

That’s what I’d rather be…A Tree.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow


Today is a different day. No one ever knows what this day has in store for us. 

Today will unfold like yesterday. 

Tomorrow will be similar to today, not knowing what might happen with every moment.

Today, I have hope. For, something good could happen.

But, if it doesn’t happen..today will be exactly like yesterday.

And, we ALL know where that leaves me.

A Day in the Life of Boggledee


Stormy

Hi, I’m Boggledee. Glad to meet you! I’m like most people but, like many others, I suffer from mental illness.
I have been diagnosed with manic depression and I try to be consistent with my medication. On a daily basis, I suppose it works. But, there are some days that I would rather be dead than alive.
It’s weird to have suicidal thoughts, because I know nobody can help me with it. I wouldn’t dare put this on my family and doctors seem to want to put me in a hospital or something. Like that what I want. So, I suffer through it on my own. Many of us do just that.
It’s on our low days that you actually start planning our own deaths. Not one day goes by without wondering if life would be better without me, including my kids and husband, but when things aren’t going right I will go into the planning stage. At least now, I can rest assured that my family will receive some benefits.
I only write this to release these feelings through words, NOT for attention. I know many that reads this will want to tell me to go ahead and kill myself and get it over with. Where, some will sympathize with these feelings.
To those that do not understand the struggle of being stuck within your own mind and doubting your worth, do some research before judging.
Some will wonder why I haven’t done it yet. To those, I have children that I feel still needs me.
To those that suffer from these unwanted thoughts, I pray for you. For nobody can help.
This has been short, but not sweet. Lol
Hopefully, by the next time I blog, I will have created my Boggledee character to share with everyone that happens to read this. Not saying that is very many people. I’m sure not famous or nothing!

Lost Faith


Storm Clouds
I lay here, wondering why
why me
Why him
Why them
I’ve lost the desire to survive
Life is a bunch of obstacles, ups & downs, ins & outs, & confusion
My hurdles are enormous! And, I’m getting weak
My body is older & broken
My soul & mind are strong
No one cares about your soul nor your mind
It’s all about what you can do for them and that’s a FACT
I kinda see what Jesus must have felt like
All the pain, let down, ridicule, and abandonment
Yet, he still had it in him to save others
I struggle to hold onto Faith
I wonder what happened to Jesus’ soul
I wonder if he was praying for Death as well

Me And Boggledee (A Work In Progress)


Me and Boggledee

Boggledee is curious, as curious as can be.

Boggledee is just too curious for me.

Boggledee will go into the darkness, just to see what’s inside.

But, I’m the type to run and hide.

Boggledee likes to learn. I like to Play.

When we come together it becomes a magical day.

Boggledee and I are as different as can be,

But, we are the best of friends as you can see.

With ALL his knowledge and ALL my fun,

We come together to form ONE.

I love Boggledee and Boggledee loves me!

Not Sure If You Really Want to Read


I am going to talk about something that is very controversial. In order to do this, I have to open up about my own thoughts and put myself out there for criticism and ridicule. But, for some reason I feel urged to do this.

I have suicidal tendencies. I don’t know why or I could have stopped them by now. When opening up about them, you get different and negative words in return. Trust me.

I have heard that I am STUPID, and that’s from an uncle of mine. I have heard that if I want to do it, just do it. Shockingly, being offered a tool or way to accomplish it. WOW! I’ve been asked, “Why would you want to do that?” with a very confused facial expression. I have had some say that I have a lot going for me, now I’m confused.

You get to the point where you don’t want to tell anyone that you’re feeling this way. People have made it hard to express ourselves, due to judgement. I have always believed that are ALL created equal, some just have different lives.

The purpose of the title…I know you are feeling some way. Stop and think about your first thought and what you would say to me as if I were standing in front of you saying this. Do you even know what to say? Do you think I’m STUPID?

These thoughts cannot be controlled to the point where you can stop them from entering your mind. It’s all about ignoring them or just finding things to hold onto in this life. For instance, your children. Well, that’s what keeps me here.

Some might wonder if I am on medications. Yes, I am. They can only do so much in times of stress. Therapy? Yes, I’ve tried it over the years. They talk, mainly, about “coping skills”. Has it helped? Well, apparently NOT.

The Clouds OVER MeSo, what to do next? I really don’t know….

I do know that I am NOT the only one. For the latest statistics, go to

https://www.afsp.org/content/download/13514/228430/file/Suicide%202015%20Facts%20and%20Figures.pdf