Yes, it has been a long time since my last post. I guess I didn’t really worry about it because I am not famous or anything and really who cares what I have to say?
I have found myself struggling. It’s an internal struggle and it has become overwhelming. I’m lost. I’m tired. I’m weak. And, I’m over it.
Why do I even do this? I know. I do this, this writing here, because I know my misery or sadness will not bother any of you. Why do I know this? Because I really don’t know you and you really don’t know me, so there is really nothing vested in this. Other than maybe a release for me.
I put on this mask of illusion for everyone around me. My friends, my family all hear the same thing…I’m fine. But, I’m not. I haven’t been fine in a long time. I worry everyday. I zombie clean. My mind is always consumed with something. I can’t even sleep a whole night due to dreaming so much, I wake up soaked and have to change my entire outfit. Which surprisingly is only panties and a tank. This happens every night and doesn’t make any sense because I am so thin, that I am always freezing.
I know I am on the downward spiral of bipolar mania and it sucks. The upside…there is an upswing to it. Those are the best days…the high of bipolar. If only it would last.
I want to cry for no reason or I go to bed fine and wake up angry. How does that happen? What is wrong with my brain?