PTSD and What It has done to Me

PTSD(Post-traumatic-Stress-Disorder) is a condition that consumes the mind, both while awake and asleep. PTSD is the result of witnessing and/or experiencing a traumatic event. Everyone knows that most soldiers returning from war suffer from it. But what about a civilian, that never served in any war. Someone that lived what they know of as “a normal life”?
I can only imagine what soldiers see while in war, so it is common that a soldier would develop PTSD. No one expects a normal citizen to suffer such a thing. Believe it or not…some do. Some of us are lucky to make it through childhood. Let alone the fight I had ahead of me, with my son and his malformed heart. What I have witness in hospitals in hard to imagine. The illness and loss I’ve seen, no one should endure.
I have experienced guilt, worry, fear, and anger throughout all this. I hated my father for abandoning me. I hated and feared my first step-dad for abusing and threatening my life, with guns and knives, for most of my childhood. I hated and blamed my mother for not having the courage to stand up for her children and keep them safe. I felt guilty as I sit there with my son, as a family, just 5 feet from me, loses their triplets-one by one. I have feared for my sons’ life daily and worry myself sick every time some thing happens. I have such bad dreams at night, that I actually don’t want to sleep. Every night, I wake up soaked from sweat and have to change my tank and underwear. My partner will often wake me, to get me out of the nightmare.
And yet, I believed it’s all been worth it; to have the family that I have is priceless. But, now I see the world as a very negative place. It gets to the point that you find yourself scared to go out it all. You want to protect your children from others harm. You find yourself locked inside your house, not wanting to open the door.
Nature is the only thing pulling me out of this house.
I love gardening. I work with bare hands, feeling the dirt and plant life within my fingers. I like to watch it all grow and bloom into beautiful beings. Yes, I also talk to my plants. They seem to grow better with a lot of attention. As far as leaving my yard, that is seldom and I always have a need at hand. Either, I need to go to the grocery or drive my children somewhere.
When I do leave the property, I like to take my camera. Again, admiring nature as I take shots to transfer what I see to an image I can share.
I guess I should return to my topic.
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is witnessing or living a traumatic event causing stress, nightmares and fears afterwards. Sadly, I have suffered throughout my life.
Abandoned by my father a young age and then abused by my step-father and used by my mother, until I was of no more use and left with my second step-father, has left me feeling worthless.
A wonderful family took me in then. To be more specific, two families took me in. One when I ran away at age of 15. There, I had A room of my own, didn’t have to take care of the entire house and my younger siblings. That lasted a few months before my mother realized I wasn’t returning home voluntarily, so she sent the county sheriff to bring me back.
I returned to my mother and found she had married again. Surprisingly enough, that lasted less than a month before I woke up to my mother and younger sister and brother gone. Without waking me or even leaving a note, they had gone off to my Grandmother’s house. I called to see if I could come too, only to hear that there wasn’t room for me. That’s when the second life-saving family entered my life. And, a wonderful family they were. Those were absolutely the best years of my childhood. I grew up and I got stronger, never fearing men again.
But then I had my first child, my only son. Unfortunately, he was born with a severe congenital heart defect that would put his life at risk his entire life. Throughout our stays in hospitals, I have witnessed some awful things. I have seen a babies’ intestines hanging above the baby. I have witness triplets lose their life, one by one. Not to mention the countless children there alone. Such a sad place.
On a lighter note, my son is now 20 years old and doing well. Even though I was really afraid to have more children, I later had a set of twins. They were 10 weeks early but very healthy. I have a terrific partner that has always had my back and been here for us. I may fear the outside world, but my world within my walls is all I need. Unfortunately, even the worst can come to me here also.
PSTD has created FEAR in me. That is what it has done to me.

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